I filled the last page of a journal last night.
I started that particular journal after waking one morning with the verse Deuteronomy 2:3 on repeat in my mind. “You have circled this mountain long enough.” I was in a study on Wilderness at the time. I just hadn’t made it to Deuteronomy yet. Once I got there and to this verse, the next phrase, “Now turn North,” came off the page at me. I went right away to the commentaries, and one of them pointed out that on the journey North – from where the Israelites were at the time – to Canaan, the Israelites would have to forgive some enemies before they could conquer others. I felt a niggle in my spirit and began to wonder if my difficulty – or really more like my obstinacy with forgiving those who hurt me – had lengthened my time in the wilderness. I then began a quest to dig up all the things I stuffed down deep in order to survive the hurt years prior, not just from the betrayal and end of my marriage but also childhood hurts. I started this journal then and got back into counseling.
I have come so far in the approximately 1.5 years since then. I give God the glory and gratitude for His work and for the people He allowed in my life to be part of walls coming down, re-opening my heart, and moving me past the numbness I chose as self-protection. I could never express how thankful I am for my professional counselor or my unpaid counselors aka best friends, who have listened to countless amounts of overthinking.
And while some of the journalling reeks of overthinking, other parts hold feelings and truths that might be helpful to some of you who may be trying years after being hurt to take down walls you erected or to dig up deep, gnarled, ugly roots so that you can rediscover life in the wide open, abundant grace of God.
Sooo…as I read back through the journal, soaking in all God has done since I started this work, I will be sharing some of it here. I pray it’s a help to someone.