I started dating a little.
I know that statement in itself comes as a shock, so I gave it its own line to allow a moment to absorb it. That’s not actually what this piece is about, although I certainly could – and may one day – write more on the woes of trying – TRYING! – to date in your 40s. Just a step above Sheol, I’m telling you. But that’s all I’m saying about it right now.
I started dating a little. Not because I feel like I need a man but because I just want one. And not any one. A good quality one. One who will make my and the kids’ lives better. One who makes the world better just by being in it. Because truly, if he isn’t going to enrich our lives, there’s no point bringing him into it when I feel content and capable in this life as it is.
But even though I feel content and capable, and even though I don’t feel I need a man, there has always been a part of me that wants to be loved well – really loved – by a good man. Even in most of the past seven years when I couldn’t think about dating without nausea and fear, I still deep down wanted to one day be in a relationship again. Even when most of the past seven years was spent feeling completely unappealing because there just wasn’t anything much happening on that front (like…at all).
And since nothing was happening (like…at all!), I wrestled with God many times about that heart desire, wondering if maybe my heart wasn’t aligned with His…because Psalm 37:4 promises that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. And that’s not because God is some cosmic coke machine, it’s because as we delight in Him, His desires become ours. He changes our heart and steers it toward what He has for us….So why then, if I was trying to live a life that pursued Him, did I still have the heart desire for an earthly relationship and nothing happening?
If I were with you in person right now, I would ask, “Who, by a show of hands, could say that God does not answer your questions in the time or way that you want?” Hands would go up all over the place. My gosh, it is so hard to wait on God. To want to understand so badly that you start looking inwardly and thinking maybe the problem is you. To want an answer so badly that you’re finally willing to relinquish that heart desire just because you’ve come to wonder if it’s not aligned with God after all.
Now, let me ask this question, “Who, by a show of hands, could say that God answers in unexpected ways, often when you least expect it?” Again, hands would go up all over. Mine included because…
It was just a few Sundays ago that I got my answer. It was during the praise and worship portion of our church service. The music was on-point that day. We’d been through some modern music, then it switched to the old hymn, “I Stand Amazed.” You probably know the chorus: “How marvelous, how wonderful, and my song shall ever be. How marvelous, how wonderful is my savior’s love for me.” While singing that chorus – eyes closed, hands open – God gave me this mental image of a man being so filled with the love of God that it overflowed onto me (and my kids) from him. So essentially, God would love me (us) through that man. That image was exactly perfect. It was not just God showing me how it should be but that He understood my heart’s desire all along, even more than I did. Because what I truly want is for a man’s love for me to be an overflow of God’s love in him. It’s never been that I wanted man’s love more than God’s but that I want it to be God’s. I want to be loved as Christ loves the Church. I felt such immediate relief. God understood me all along. He heard me.
Now why did he let me wrestle with that for so long before showing me? I don’t know. Maybe He was waiting for me to get to the point that I was willing to surrender and never have it if it meant it didn’t align with what He wants for me.