I suppose there was some measure of relief in finding out I was right. It meant I wasn’t completely crazy, but that was the only good in it. Mostly I felt violated, betrayed, and inadequate. Somehow, even though my gut had known so much already, I still managed to be stunned by the extent of it and stunned that this man who I loved for so many years in so many ways had hurt me in a way I never thought him capable.
Still I knew he was human. I thought of King David’s affair with Bathsheba then how he sent her husband to the front lines of battle to be killed to cover his sin. Adultery, murder, deception. I knew from his story that a man could commit great sin and still be used mightily of God if he had a genuinely repentant heart.
I thought also of Peter in Luke 22:32
“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has
demanded permission to sift you
like wheat;but I have prayed for you,
that your faith may not fail; and you,
when once you have turned again,
strengthen your brothers.”
Jesus knew that even though He Himself would be praying for Peter’s faith, Peter would fall to temptation. But He said, “When you have turned again, strengthen the brothers.” Knowing Peter would choose wrongly, Jesus still had a plan for Peter’s life. Peter’s calling remained. Peter had purpose. His falling away and the grace Jesus is speaking here would give Peter experience that he could use to strengthen others.
So having those thoughts in mind, I pictured my husband alongside King David or Peter. I believed that he really, truly loved Jesus and meant it when he answered the call to be a fisher of men. I was reminded that although Peter loved Jesus and served Jesus, he was not immune to Satan’s scheme. In fact, it seemed to have made him a target. I was reminded that although Jesus knew Peter would deny Him, neither Jesus’ love for Peter nor His calling on Peter’s life changed with Peter’s repeated wrong choices. I believed the calling was still on my husband’s life and if his heart was repentant, that when he turned again, his story – our story – would be used to strengthen others.
He said he wanted to save our family. I was willing, and I knew God was able. I couldn’t grasp why He allowed it in the first place, but I could trust Him to rebuild what was broken and use it for His glory.
What I underestimated, though, is man’s free will.
“Repent, then, and turn to God,
so that your sins may be wiped out,
that times of refreshing
may come from the Lord”
Acts 3:19
