I decided last April to give dating a shot. I mentioned this a little in the July blog “Heart’s Desire.” That piece wasn’t about the dating experience, as I was still very new to it then. I’m a little farther out now, and with Valentine’s Day (affectionately known to me as Singles Awareness Day) coming up next month, I guess I’m thinking about what I’ve learned about myself from trying to date again.
Deciding to try to re-open myself in year seven felt significant – number of completion and all that. By the time I started in April, I’d done lots of counseling and healing, but I was still absolutely terrified and not sure I could do it without vomiting.
I started with just trying to figure out who I am at this age and stage of life and what it is I want, which turned out to be quite different from anything I thought about in my teens and early 20s. Back then, I wouldn’t have given a second thought to someone not checking to see if I made it home safely in the pouring rain. Nowadays, that gets ya tossed after a first-date-only. Back then, I wanted a guy to find me attractive. Now, despite a lot of therapy and rationally knowing otherwise, there’s still a part of me that associates the end of my marriage with not being enough physically. So if someone comments solely on my appearance without seeming to see beyond the surface to things that will last as I age and change with time, I want to run and hide. Like, literally, if I put into words what my insides feel like – it’s to run away as fast as I can and hide under a table. Crazy, right?
Similarly, although I am a physical therapist who appreciates physique and exercise, if someone appears to put a lot of emphasis on his body, that makes me nervous because I fear I will be judged for the ways my body isn’t physically fit. It’s this great paradox of wanting to be found attractive but not just physically and not to too high a standard.
Then there’s all the things beyond physical appearance – beyond the outer shell to what really makes a person. Above all else, I want a man who pursues God. Not just a fella who says he’s a Christian, but one whose faith impacts the way he lives, loves, and leads. And yes, I want to be led. Spiritually especially but also otherwise. Masculinity is highly appreciated and seems to be in short supply. I was raised by a Pop who pounded into us girls’ heads that men pursue what they want, yet so many say otherwise now. So either my Pop was wrong…or…men just aren’t the same as in his era…or…I just haven’t found one wanting to pursue ME just yet. And the last option is highly possible. My best friend says I’m intimidating. It’ll probably take a diligent fella to see that I’m tough because I’ve had to be, but underneath is a soft, tender girl with stuff to offer.
Besides having Godly character and diligence, I hope to find a man with humor and conversation skills. I promised myself after the divorce that I would never beg someone to talk to me again, and it is truly astounding the number of guys who either don’t talk in more than single syllable answers or only talk about themselves. If I’ve gone through numerous topics, trying to find something – anything – to get a reciprocal conversation going with not much more than grunts, I give up. I’m too old and too tired to work that hard.
Hard work probably sums up the overall experience of dating in your 40s. It’s hard work to get yourself healthy enough to try again. It’s hard work to stick with it when the nausea hits. It’s hard work to try and try and try again. It’s hard work to keep to your non-negotiables. It’s hard work to be ok staying single. It’s hard work to keep trusting that if God has someone for you, it’ll happen in His time and His way. And only then.
It hasn’t happened yet for me, but I learn something from every conversation and every meeting. Things that are important, things that aren’t. Things that I need to work on and do better. Some things that I needed to work through with a counselor. Some things that I needed to work through with the Lord or let HIM work on in ME.
It’s not just about seeing if there’s a person God has been preparing for me but also if I’m the person He’s preparing for someone. And if so, what things does He still need to do in me?
So overall, what I’ve learned in 9ish months of attempting midlife dating is that we all have issues, we all need grace – from each other and God, and we all need work. AND dating will probably feel like work until God steps in with that someone He’s been working to send your way.
If you’re with me in this season of midlife dating, stay brave. Keep trusting it’s making you stronger and better. Don’t look only at what God can do for you but also at what He can do in you. And trust that if He’s orchestrating something for His glory, wooooo, just wait …. It’ll be so worth it.