Purple

I was recently asked by someone who had experienced divorce:

Did you feel bound to [your ex-husband] in marriage still, even after the divorce? And if so, did that end when he married again? I’m struggling with this…Part of me still feels bound to him, like he’s still my husband.

I’m going to share my response in case this is a struggle for others. But first, I want to share a couple of scriptures that I reference and believe paint a picture of how I view marriage.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12. This was used in my wedding as an analogy of the strength in marriage when the husband and wife are in covenant with God.

Now, my response to the question:

My ex-husband was the only man I had ever been with intimately. I loved him in every way you can love a man. I willingly gave every part of myself to him. Willingly bound myself to him. Then unwillingly had him rip to shreds the ties that bound us. But it was like I was still grasping at and trying to hang on to the tiny shreds as long as he wasn’t bound to someone else.

Someone had told me that divorce wasn’t the end. Him remarrying was the end. And that proved true for how I viewed things, I guess, even if I didn’t consciously decide that or do it on purpose. It was like my soul was reaching for him almost, even though his actions and who he seemed to have become repulsed me. Maybe I was reaching for my other half that was still tied up in him.

Imagine two becoming one. We’ll say they’re separate red and blue beings. They swirl together to make a single being – either blue and red swirl, or perhaps there’s been such mixing that the end result is various shades of purple. This single being – whether swirled red and blue or various shades of purple…when ripped apart, is not separated into nice, neatly cut halves with original red and blue components. Instead, this single being is a multi-colored mess with jagged edges.

That’s how I felt. I wasn’t just some singular color anymore. I was multi-colored from fifteen years of living life as “us” instead of just “me.” I didn’t get all of me back when he ripped us apart, so I don’t know if I was longing for him… or the parts of me left with him… or the other parts of him that were still in my color scheme but no longer available to my palette.

It was so complex – like I was just restless. It felt for a while like my colors were bleeding out. Like I was losing color, turning pale while grasping for the remaining wisps of color…the remnants of our previous relationship. I thought if God would just give me the chance, I could spackle the gaping holes and re-paint. Re-build.

But God knew I was the only one willing to re-build, and it would not have healed me or “us” to try to fix things by pouring my color on everything. When my ex-husband married his wife shortly after our divorce finalized, it absolutely saved any remaining color left in me. Though it hurt terribly at the time, God was merciful to let it happen so soon because it allowed me to let go. I couldn’t stir for someone else’s husband. I had to release those remaining shreds of our union because he was bound to someone else. I had to accept the tattered edges and purple-ish hue as just part of who I was moving forward.

It was hard, sure, but I think that was when my healing went to a deeper level. I started to see truth about how I’d been treated and what I deserved and that I might have never felt truly happy or secure or loved again. That was God allowing what was best for me at the time, even it left me jagged.

I have no regrets about my purple. I wouldn’t be who I am today if blue and red hadn’t come together. I wouldn’t have four perfectly purple children. And with healing, God has taken a near loss of color to a life more vibrant.