The subject of divorce is hard. Reliving this part of my story had me in a funk for days. Divorce wasn’t what I believed in or wanted, but I can see now that it was healthier than allowing the continued violation of our vows. Even so, I hate divorce and its consequences. Before you read this blog, I want to emphasize that there is no limit to what God can do in the heart and life of those who are truly repentant. There is no limit to His redemption power. If you are on the other side of infidelity, working to save your marriage and family, I am so abundantly proud of you. I know it’s not easy. Hold tight to God. He is able to heal and restore what’s been broken if both parties are willing. His love and purpose for your life does not end at infidelity or at divorce for those of us whose stories do not end in reconciliation. If you hoped for a different ending and don’t yet understand all your many questions, keep seeking Him. He can do exceeding abundantly more than we could imagine if we are simply willing vessels. Perhaps your story will one day help someone through their struggle, just as I hope my story helps you. And with that preface, here’s the next blog, “Mockery of Marriage.”
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“I need a consultation for a divorce.”
The room around me faded and went silent as I read it again. And again. I sat completely still on the couch, computer in my lap, mind racing. When did my husband decide he wanted a divorce? Why hadn’t he told me? What was I going to do? What was I up against?
I googled the firm he had contacted. “Professional and cheap divorce.” Cheap. The word was a dagger to my heart. I felt sharp, piercing pain and hot tears on my face. Was I worth so little? Fifteen years of commitment and devotion to him; his education, career and ministry; and our family did not feel cheap to me. I’d willingly given myself through the years. I was willing even then to try to rebuild our marriage and save our family. Surely such love had value. Marriage in itself had value. I was mad that this law firm so severely undervalued a God-ordained institution as to offer to end it with so little care. I was upset that society undervalues marriage to such an extent that a firm exists and makes such crass boasts without worrying it will offend people like me, who believe in the sanctity of marriage. I was sad that marriage no longer seemed sacred to so many people breaking covenant vows, violating the promise they made to their spouse and to God.
No matter how little monetary expense this firm could offer, the end of my marriage would not come cheap to me. I had lost so much already. My vows had been tarnished, our relationship thrown away, and now the institution of marriage devalued. What we had left was on paper only. There was no part of our lives resembling what God intended for marriage. I had Biblical grounds for divorce. I knew I did. And yet it ripped me apart.
How fitting that statement actually is for divorce. If marriage is two flesh becoming one (Genesis 2:24), then divorce is the ripping apart of one flesh into two. And no ripping is neat or painless. There were so many things to consider, and so many hurtful facets. I was raised to view marriage as forever, so this went against what I believed in my core. I didn’t want my children to think divorce was right, but I couldn’t let them grow up thinking so wrongly about marriage either.
I had already acknowledged this problem before seeing the email. I hated what my boys were witnessing and prayed they would never treat their wives this way. My daughter was too young to understand, but I would never want her to think women should be treated as I was allowing myself to be. I knew I couldn’t permit things to go on this way indefinitely, but I hoped the separation would end in reconciliation rather than divorce. When he left, I genuinely thought he would come back. When he said that he was conflicted, I believed part of him wanted to return home. I had asked him along the way if he intended divorce, and when he said nothing to indicate that he did, I kept holding on to hope that he didn’t. I was a fool.
I look back on it all now, and I see as plain as day that I was a lovesick fool. So very many words and actions… So very few words and actions… So much undone in what was done. So much spoken in the unspoken. If I had been willing, I could have seen without happening upon an email that he may not have wanted divorce, but he didn’t want life with me. I just believed so strongly in the past – the man I knew, the life we had – that I could not see a future without him home with us.
Our home. One of many things to consider. When we married, I thought it was for life. I never once considered not doing everything jointly. Our vehicles, our home, our loans, our savings. I had no idea how these things worked in divorce. Our children. How do you condense fifteen years of marriage down to division of property and time with children? I was nauseous at the thought. I needed help. I never thought my life would come to this. Never once thought I would need a divorce attorney, but there I was some time later. Sitting in one of two chairs across the desk from a lawyer advising me in uncontested divorce. Her words coming and going as I drifted in and out. I hated this. I didn’t want divorce, but I didn’t want to live in between either. Some decisions had to be made. I couldn’t keep living this mockery of marriage.
You were sincere not a fool.