Job and Un-gelling Jelly

In less than a year’s time, I had miscarried a baby boy halfway through the pregnancy; found out I was pregnant again a couple of months later – the same month that my husband entered an affair; been the talk of town when the news of the affair came out; watched my husband walk out the door with approximately six weeks left in the pregnancy, leaving me with three hurting boys and a baby girl on the way; and lost my brother to complications after a motorcycle accident.  Mixed into those major events were minor things like broken down toilets, a leak in the pool, and a horrific noise from the dryer drum.  None of which I knew a thing about fixing.  Add to that a feeling of total responsibility for the livelihood and mental/emotional well-being of four children.  While exhausted from months without sleep and heart-broken because every memory I had of my fifteen-year marriage was tainted, and every plan for the future was a mirage.  

I was sadder than I had ever been in my life, completely exhausted in every way, and so upset with God that my prayers had become interrogations and rants.  I tried to keep life as normal as possible for the kids, but I had little desire of my own to carry on as usual.  I ate because I was carrying then nursing a baby, but I had very little appetite.  I had just rallied myself back after losing hope when my husband didn’t return home when the baby was born, then my brother had his accident and died.  I carried guilt for not going to the hospital sooner, and I was devastated that my baby girl would never meet her uncle.  I could not imagine one more thing going wrong.   

Then my refrigerator quit working.  Now, in light of everything else I had been through, this would seem insignificant, yet it proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I had always wondered about that old saying.  Why would one light-weight, insignificant piece of straw break the camel when it was so often laden down with heavy burdens?  Well, it’s because there comes a point at which you simply cannot bear the weight of one more thing, no matter how seemingly light or insignificant.  A point at which it’s not the weight of the “straw” at all but the combined weight of the growing load and how little strength and reserve you have left.  Carrying a heavy burden, especially over a long stretch of time, eventually wears you down.

I was worn down.  Depleted.  Discouraged.  So sad.  And frustrated.  With God and with the darn refrigerator.  It was under warranty, thank goodness, but the repairman could not come immediately to look at it.  Of course he couldn’t.  

A precious mentor friend from church knew another member who owned large Yeti coolers and was willing to let me borrow them until my refrigerator was working again.  The two of them met at my house to help transfer and salvage everything that might spoil from the fridge and freezer.  We were standing in my kitchen, the two of them working and me watching while holding the baby.  My friend, so positive and helpful, completely meaning well and wanting to make sure I was happy with their work, checked in ever so often about various products.  Looking back, I am so immensely grateful, but at the time, each question seemed to send me further into darkness.  What did it matter about my mayonnaise?  Who cared if the jelly went bad?  Besides the pumped breastmilk, I could not find one shred of concern for any item in that fridge or freezer.  Sure, it would have been foolish to let food go bad, especially with the children needing to eat, but I just couldn’t care.  I felt like I was fading, standing right there by the table in my kitchen.  The man could see it.  I noticed it in his eyes, and he worked quickly, probably trying to get on out of there.  I couldn’t blame him.  I wanted out of this cycle also.  

I was tired of it.  I had so many questions.  My faith was hanging on by a tattered thread.  I felt like Job.  Except Job was a man of faith in the midst of great adversity.  I needed to know how.  How did he cling to his faith through worse stuff than I had been through when I was about to lose it over a fridge that wasn’t cooling, a repairman with a busy schedule, and un-gelling jelly?!  

How could I endure hard times with the faith of Job?  

Job 1:7-12 tells us that God recommended Job to Satan for testing.  “And the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered My servant Job? For there is no one like him on the earth….’” (v 8).  God had so much confidence in Job’s character that He challenged Satan with Job.  Isn’t that a new, more encouraging way to look at the trials of this life?  What if some of our heartaches and challenges are because God has recommended us for testing?  What if He has such confidence in us that He trusts we will pull through and, like Job, demonstrate faith in a God who is bigger than all of Satan’s schemes?  

I knew Satan could do nothing without God’s permission.  I had spent months asking God why He allowed Satan to come after my husband and harm my family, his ministry, our church, and the community; but I was starting to feel like it was me Satan was after instead of my husband.  It seemed like I was the one repeatedly suffering loss and heartache.  Job 1:13-19 details what Job lost in Satan’s first round of attack – his livestock, servants, and children all ambushed, burned, or slain in one form or another.  “Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.”  He worshiped?  In the midst of tremendous loss and mourning, Job worshiped?  If I had stopped reading there, I would have been a very discouraged woman because my response to adversity was hugely disappointing compared to Job’s.  

Because of Job’s worshipful response, it was no surprise that God maintained confidence in Job and recommended him to Satan again in chapter two.  Poor Job.  It reminds me of the meme I saw that said, “I’ve had enough of things that don’t kill me but make me stronger.”  Verse 7, “Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head…”  At this point, we are introduced to the loveliness of Job’s wife: “‘Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!’  But he said to her, ‘…Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?’ In all this Job did not sin with his lips,” (v 9-10). 

I found a bit of hope in this unusual phrase ending verse 10, “…did not sin with his lips.”  Perhaps at this point Job did struggle a bit in his thoughts.  Perhaps in his heart and mind, he was starting to feel some discouragement and upset about his situation.  Chapter three confirms that after a week of great pain ending chapter two, Job reached a point of such mental and emotional struggle that he questioned why he was born and wished he was dead.  “Let the day perish on which I was to be born…May that day be darkness…Why is light given to him who suffers, and life to the bitter of soul; Who long for death, but there is none…”  He describes a loss of appetite, heavy tears, and his soul’s unrest.  “My groaning comes at the sight of my food, and my cries pour out like water. For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.”  As awful as this may sound, I was starting to feel encouraged by Job’s emotional turmoil.  I could relate to it so much better than his worship in Chapter 1.  

The rest of Job depicts a man who wrestles with God honestly, expressing his frustration, asking questions, wishing so much to argue with the Almighty, and trying to understand His ways while clinging to what he’s always known to be true of God.  Job 7:20, “Have I sinned? What have I done to you, O watcher of men? Why have you set me as your target, so that I am a burden to myself?” Job 10:1-2, “I loathe my own life…I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, ‘Do not condemn me; Let me know why you contend with me.’”  Job 13:3, “I would speak to the Almighty…I desire to argue with God.”  Job 23:3-10, “Then Job replied, ‘Oh that i knew where I might find Him, that I might come to His seat! I would present my case before Him and fill my mouth with arguments.  I would learn the words which He would answer, and perceive what He would say to me…Behold, I go forward but He is not there and backward, but I cannot perceive Him; When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; He turns on the right, I cannot see Him.  But he knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.’”  I was suddenly feeling so much better.  Job felt and expressed a lot of the same things I had.  

He had moments when he struggled to keep hope.  Job 17:15, “Where now is my hope? And who regards my hope?”  He had to bolster himself at times.  Job 19:25-26, “And as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the earth.  Even after my skin is destroyed, yet from my flesh I shall see God.”  He missed and longed for the good ol’ days.  Job 29:1-25, “And Job…said, ‘Oh that I were as in months gone by, as in the days when God watched over me, when His lamp shone over my head, and by His light I walked through darkness; as I was in the prime of my days, when the friendship of God was over my tent; when the Almighty was yet with me, and my children were around me…For when the ear heard, it called me blessed, and when the eye saw, it gave witness of me, because I delivered the poor who cried for help, and the orphan who had no helper…I chose a way for them and sat as chief, and dwelt as a king among the troops…” 

Then after reflecting on the glory of the past, he contrasted that with the humiliation and misery of his inflicted state.  Job 30:1, “But now, those younger than I mock me…”  Vs 16-19, “…My soul is poured out within me; days of affliction have seized me.  At night it pierces my bones within me, and my gnawing pains take no rest.”  Vs 26-28, “When I expected good, then evil came; when i waited for light, then darkness came.  I am seething within, and cannot relax; days of affliction confront me. I go about mourning without comfort; I stand up in the assembly and cry out for help.”  

I could particularly relate to how Job felt in verse 26.  From the beginning, I expected God to work all this mess into something good that would bring Him glory.  Day after day, I watched expectantly for it, but day after day, things seemed to go the opposite way and grow uglier.  I would get discouraged and lose hope then pull myself back up, refuse to quit, and fight to hold on to faith.  I believed so strongly in the truth of the Word that I was taunting God with scripture, “How do you explain this, Lord? How?! And HOW LONG?! How long will You tarry? How long until You keep Your Scripture promises and bring truth to light (Luke 8:17) or defeat the enemy (Psalm 37) or show that You won’t be mocked (Galatians 6:7)?  How long until You come forth as the jealous God who reclaims your own or as the God of vengeance against Your adversaries (Deuteronomy 32)?  How long until You allow me to understand how You will cause something so bad to work together for good (Romans 8:28)?  How long until you redeem this mess for Your glory (1 Peter 1:6-7)?”

Then the Lord answered Job (and me) in chapter 38.  “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?  Now gird up your loins like a man, and I will ask you, and you instruct Me!  ‘Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?…Or who enclosed the sea with doors…and said, ‘Thus far you shall come but no farther; and here your proud waves stop?’”  He continues throughout the rest of chapter 38 and 39 to declare His majesty and power, then He opens chapter 40 with a question to Job (and me), “Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty?  Let him who reproves God answer it.”  Then Job (and I) answered the Lord and said in verse 4, “Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to Thee?”  But similarly to how I might think of another round of defense and cut in mid-argument, God starts round two in 40:6 and carries on through chapter 41 further making His case, as if Job (or I) deserved justification of His decisions.  

Finally, in chapter 42, Job (and I) answer the Lord again, this time with more humility and repentance, “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted…Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.  Hear now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me. I have heard of You by hearing of the ear; but now my eye sees You; therefore, I repent in dust and ashes.”  Oh, how true these words.  I knew God before my hardships, but how much more I know Him now.  

No one wishes for a painful wrecking of life, but tremendous beauty is found among the ruins when you finally see that what you lost pales in comparison to the sweet fellowship you have with God after you’ve wrestled and come to trust, recognize, and rely on Him in a way you never had to when life was whole.  Now, I look differently at Job.  Yes, he was this tremendous man of faith, but he was also human like me.  He had questions and frustrations, which he expressed honestly to God, but he was humble enough to eventually see that his life was just a small part in a big story.  A story that God would use for thousands of years to encourage and help people like me.  A story used to give me new hope for an ending similar to Job’s.   

“And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job…and increased all that Job had twofold…and the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning.”  Job 42:10-12. Let it be, Lord. Let it be.