I expected reconciliation to be a long, hard process. People had told me it wasn’t easy, and I had read it over and over. I did expect it to happen though. With time, counsel, hard work, a lot of grace, and both of us working toward the same goal, I expected my marriage to be reconciled and my family restored.
I tried to be realistic about his feelings, even if I hated them. I had read that your spouse would grieve the loss of the affair partner, and while I was grieving my own losses, I tried to be sensitive to his perceived loss. I knew my side of the story was different. My heart had always been his and at home. His heart – it seemed to me – had been taken away by sin, deceived, ripped from the person he thought he loved and who he thought could heal it, and blinded to the real and only One who could heal it.
Initially and briefly, he seemed to express some occasional feeling for me. There were small gestures of tenderness and moments when a glimmer of light broke through, but those moments of light were snuffed out every time by what felt like swift, strong jerks back into darkness. Words and actions that undid any small balm to my soul. Cravings and consuming thoughts that were not for me. A hardening that I couldn’t break through.
I realized early on that the battle was so much bigger than me or “us”. I was in spiritual warfare, fighting for my husband with my prayers and God’s grace, but Satan was not going to release easily. I needed God’s powerful hand to intervene. I was exhausted. I could not keep fighting alone.
“O God, do not remain quiet;
do not be silent
and, O God, do not be still.”
Psalm 83:1
Exactly how I feel and where I am. Thank you for your courage to blog about your journey. It isn’t supposed to be this way for a Christian marriage but it is a reality for so many. Your blog helps us to know that we are not alone in these terrible circumstances.
Holly, thank you for reading and sharing what you’re going through. I pray things have gotten better for you.