I knew in my soul that things weren’t right. I just knew. But I had so much confidence in my husband that I convinced myself I was crazy. I had reason to think I could be crazy. I had lost our fourth child – fourth baby boy – in September. There was no explanation. His heart just stopped. We went in for a routine OB appointment. There was no heartbeat on the doppler, so the doctor sent us to ultrasound. And there he was – the perfectly formed baby boy we had seen already, but this time his heart was not beating. I was devastated. My husband seemed to be also. Our three boys were heart-broken. My emotions and hormones were out of whack. I was out of whack.
My husband was a rock. For fourteen years, he had been my rock. Many years longer than that if we include our years of friendship and dating before we married. He was the one person in my life that I felt allowed me to be weak. And this time, I was beyond weak. He took care of everything and everyone — me, the kids, the house, groceries, sports schedules, homework, everything. He held me all through the night when I woke up sobbing and blaming myself. He consoled me and assured me it wasn’t my fault. He listened to me over and over and over as I went through scenarios that might have kept our baby alive in me. I thought it was likely hard on him too, but I couldn’t get him to talk to me about it. He wasn’t a talker, at least not to me. But his actions spoke love. I felt secure in our love and our marriage.
That was September.
In November, I was pregnant again. Add to the emotional and hormonal out-of-whackness. Add in a sick gut feeling that had nothing to do with pregnancy.
I genuinely thought for several months that I was losing my mind.
Satanic attack. This had to be
Satanic attack.
Spiritual warfare.
The enemy hell-bent on stopping
what God was doing
through my husband’s life and ministry.
Midlife crisis.
Could it be midlife crisis?
What was midlife crisis
and could you help someone through it,
or was it something they just
had to work through?
How would he work through it?
Could I help,
or would I make it worse?
Maybe he had just taken on
too much and was stressed.
Maybe I needed to give
him some space since there was
so much on his plate.
Or maybe I could help with some of it.
What could I do?
I had to do something.
I could examine myself.
I could be a better wife.
Absolutely, there were things I could do
more, less, different, better.
Those were just some of the thoughts tumbling around in my head. Things I was trying to figure out but couldn’t voice because if my hunch was wrong and I was just crazy instead, it would put wrong thoughts into someone’s mind.
I was so alone and hurting so badly, but I was still “Pastor’s Wife” and “Momma” – both of which required me to present some semblance of happiness and have-it-togetherness. My mind was a total distraction, but my job required that I focus and complete treatments and charting. He was a pastor and friend to everyone I trusted enough to be a confidant. But I had to confide in someone. I had to find confidence somewhere because I could not shake the bone-deep feeling that my husband was in trouble.
Still, I assumed it was a struggle in his mind. Some sort of temptation. I lay awake and alone in our marriage bed for hours every night, even after he came to bed. You don’t know alone until your spouse is right beside you but a million miles away. I was growing our child – this time, our first girl. I knew I needed rest, but I found none physically or emotionally. The only solace was in reading God’s Word and praying like I had never prayed in my life.
Those two lifelines – the Word and prayer – have been my survival the past two years. They provided confidence and a confidant. They held me together when the affair came out publicly the following April. And again when my husband left in June with our baby due mid-July. Again when we divorced in October. And every single day in between and since then.
Sometimes people ask, “How do you do it?” My response may sound cliche, but it is the absolute truth. I pray a lot.
“Pray continually.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17
