This month marks four years since my ex-husband walked out. None of it hits like it used to, thank GOD! The memories of that day don’t flood my mind unbidden anymore, and when I intentionally recall them, they don’t elicit tears or heartache now. And though I will never forget his restlessness as he readied to go or the eagerness that helped him walk on out the door while our boys sobbed in the living room floor with me, those images no longer gut me. Instead, I feel proud as I think of my middle son, such a strong ten-year old at the time, holding me that day, saying, “Breathe, Momma. Breathe. We’ll figure it out.” And we did.
We determined to find something each day to thank God for. I started at bedtime that first night their dad was gone and continued it every night since. I wanted them to know that even though we live in a world where we suffer the consequences of others’ choices, where everything we think we know can prove false in a moment, where people hurt people, and life is hard…, God is good, and there are good people, good moments, and good left in the world. And we can be the good. We can focus on the good. We can overcome the bad, and eventually we can see the bad used for good.
That’s our story. What Satan intended for evil, God used for good. Our faith grew. I’ve seen the boys’ grow into young men who are willing to share their testimony or pray with others. Their character has reached new depths. Their souls are beautiful. They overcame tremendous loss and grief to find that joy really does come some eventual morning.
In the absence of a dad in the home, those three boys are setting such an example of love for their little sister. I don’t know that she’ll ever find a man who will get past her three brothers or love her more than they do. She is blessed, and she is a blessing. Her birth just a few weeks after her daddy left was exactly what the boys and I needed. New life, new focus, joy.
I worry about the things I don’t know how to teach them, but I thank God for friends who are willing to help with what I lack. I hope and pray that the things I am teaching them outweigh the things I’m not. The biggest lessons, I’d say, are to never give up, hold your head high and don’t let your situation define you, allow yourself time to grieve and be patient when you bounce around the various stages of grief, face fears, be grateful, and be honest with yourself.
Feel what you feel. If you’re angry, be angry. If you’re sad, be sad. Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t feel this or that. The bottom line is you do feel it, and you’re probably going to until you admit it and work through it. Be honest with God about what you feel. He knows already anyway, so you might as well be real so He can help you work through it. He’s big enough, I promise.
Be honest with your kids. On an age-appropriate level and without harming their relationship with the other parent, answer their questions truthfully and pray they don’t repeat the hurt in their own marriages and families one day.
Seek Godly counsel. Betrayal, infidelity, abandonment, and divorce are big. They overwhelm your mind, heart, and emotions to the extent that it is impossible to process and work through them without some outlet. If you absolutely won’t see a counselor, then journal. Write every mixed up, tangled web of thoughts until your hand cramps and the page is tear-soaked. Just get it out. You can not trap all that hurt and confusion without an eventual explosion.
Accept that you may never understand why things happened the way they did, and you may never see what you consider justice on this side of eternity. Strive to be okay with that. Focus on your own happiness instead of watching for someone else’s unhappiness. Trust that God sees an infinitely bigger picture than you do, and when absolutely nothing you’re asking for and hoping for is happening, trust that one day you’ll be thankful even if you can’t muster a single ounce of thankfulness at the time.
Four years ago, I couldn’t imagine a day when I wouldn’t hurt or want what I had. I couldn’t fathom a day when people would randomly comment on how happy I look. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be happy again. It definitely wasn’t all sunshine and roses getting to the point I am now. For a long time, it was gray skies and briar patches. But what I see now is that even when the sun was blocked out by clouds of darkness, it was still there behind them, ready when they rolled out to shine on me again. And now when there are overcast moments – because there will still be some from time to time, I know the sun will shine again. And when the occasional thorn still pricks at me – because there will still be some from time to time, I thank God it’s not the mess of excruciating briars that entangled me and tried to choke out life around me. And I thank Him that somehow, with His help, life wasn’t choked out but instead, grew into the beautiful thing it is now.
