New Years Reflections 2018-2020

In looking over my New Years writings the past three years, I see how God took me from a broken woman, desperate for answers…to a healing woman who realized I could only answer for myself and my healing couldn’t depend on having all the answers…to a resolved woman who sees that many of our questions can only be answered in eternity, when we are fully healed and free from the consequences of sin on this earth. Below is evidence of this journey in my posts from 2018 and 2019 and a short testimony I shared in church last Sunday during a “Prayer and Praise” service. As always, I appreciate you reading, and I wish you the absolute best in the coming year.

2018

I have asked God a lot of questions in 2018. I have hit on ALL of the “who, what, where, when, how” questions. Who are You, Lord? Because I can’t make sense of what’s happened in light of who I thought you were. What are you doing, Lord? Because I expected You to do a bit more here…or handle this differently. What is going on? Because this don’t make no kind of sense. Where are You, God? Because I don’t see enough evidence of You at work. When are you going to do something about this? Because on the Bonita time table, you should’ve handled this already. And finally How?! (There are a lot of how questions.) How does this happen? How do You let this happen? How do I make sense of a God in control of all things – without whose permission nothing can happen – allowing sin and selfishness to run amok and cause such pain? How do you explain this, Lord? How?! And HOW LONG?! How long will You tarry? How long until You keep Your Scripture promises and bring truth to light (Luke 8:17) or defeat the enemy (Psalm 37) or show that You won’t be mocked (Galatians 6:7)? How long until You come forth as the jealous God who reclaims your own or as the God of vengeance against Your adversaries (Deuteronomy 32)? How long until You allow me to understand how You will cause something so bad to work together for good (Romans 8:28)? How long until you redeem this mess for Your glory (1 Peter 1:6-7)?

These are just a few of the questions I’ve asked. I feel sure the Holy Spirit’s groanings asked others when I couldn’t form words through my tears (Romans 8:26).

I don’t have all the answers yet, but I can say without doubt that my faith has grown because of the questions. I truly don’t think God minded a single one of them because they led me to seek Him out in His word. And what I found is that in the midst of heartbreak big enough to make me question everything I thought I knew, God is bigger. God can support the size and weight of my burden. So I lean heavily upon Him. I go to the only absolute truth there is in this life. I know He will keep His word, so I pray scripture. Over and over and over. And again. Through hurt, through anger, through disappointment, I plead with God to fulfill His word. To keep His promises.

While I still wait on Him to do that, He is showing me some things. Mainly that He is not defined by my standards. He is “I AM” (Exodus 3:14). He is before all things and by Him all things hold together (Colossians 1:17). He has all authority in Heaven and on Earth (Matthew 28:18). He is not on my time table (and that one really hurt my feelings). In fact, He created time (Genesis 1:14) and is not constrained by time (2 Peter 3:8). He does not answer to man, and especially not to me (Job 38-40).

Thankfully though, He wants to answer me when I pray for His will (1 John 5:14-15). But it’s in His time (Habakkuk 2:3), in His way (Isaiah 55:8-9), and according to His plan (Proverbs 16:4). A plan that is bigger than me and fits my finite little life into eternity.

So I end 2018 waiting (which I hate and am no good at), watching, and hoping. My hope is not in the new year but in the One who makes all things new (Isaiah 43:19).

2019

2019 was a year of healing, although I would not say it was easy or that it’s complete. Sometimes healing was a pleasant insight. Sometimes it was surviving a painful step in the process. Sometimes it was…realizing how awful my Willowbrook yard looked and feeling “me” come back to life as I pulled weeds and trimmed bushes… looking at pictures or memories on Facebook, realizing I had little to no recollection of the previous year, and understanding that I survived but I hadn’t really “lived” during that time…in those moments, feeling immense gratitude for God sustaining me and friends supporting and helping me… letting go of the house I had one day thought I’d bring grandchildren to… recognizing God’s provision in a rental house and accepting without even having seen the house…joy watching the boys with Addi and watching her do and say new things…tears as I went through room by room the morning before I relinquished the Willowbrook keys, praying through the memories – good and bad, thanking God for the good and asking Him to heal me of the bad…peace and closure after that and thankfulness that I’ve not once missed the house since then… going through divorce recovery and hearing people say things I’d felt but hadn’t put into words yet, seeing that the pain I felt was “normal”…facing old, tainted memories and places… making new memories…using my experience to try to help other women who reach out to me for insight or encouragement… working through the layers and realizing healing takes time and is different for everyone.

Patients or their families often ask, “How long does it typically take to heal from something like this?” And the answer, no matter the ailment is, “It varies person to person.” That seems true of brokenness too. I’ve always known that I love deep, so it makes sense that my hurt went deep. One thing we learned in wound care classes is that a deep wound cannot heal with superficial treatment. Those deep layers of tissue have to heal from the inside out or they’ll keep resurfacing. So I’ve not tried to rush anything. I go day by day and face whatever it holds. Some days stink. Some are great. My hope for 2020 is to look back on 2019 memories and actually remember them, to be ever aware of God’s hand guiding and providing, to allow Him continued healing of areas where I’ve become guarded, and to be strong and obedient in whatever He calls me to.

2020

2020 has been difficult and heartbreaking for many people. Covid19 has not only been a global pandemic but a local thief, robbing people we know and love of their jobs, livelihood, health…and even stealing away precious loved ones. I would never want to minimize the hurt anyone has felt in 2020, but for me personally, 2020 was not nearly so awful as the two previous years. For me, 2020 was the year of my soul coming back to life and God giving me vision for a ministry of my own, then giving me time – while I was without work for months – to establish a blog site and share, in written form, testimony of a God who is faithful when man is not. A God who is strong when I am weak. A God who gives eternal hope when our hope in this life is shaken or shattered. A God who makes good from what Satan intended for evil. A God who makes all things new in this old world that for so long has been broken and tainted by the consequences of sin. As we close 2020 and near 2021, let me encourage you to put your hope not in the new year, but in the One who makes all things new.

Revelation 21: 1-5 says, “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” 5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”

God, I thank you that these words are trustworthy and true. That you are the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. You created a beautiful world without sin, and when man chose sin and tainted your Creation, you clothed him with grace and established a plan for your Son to one day defeat sin and its consequences on this earth. You gave Jesus to us on that first Christmas many years ago, knowing that in Him was the greatest gift man would ever receive – Salvation into your family. You said, “I will be his God and he will be my son.” And we thank you for loving us enough to be our God, to make us your sons and daughters through the precious blood of Jesus. We thank you for hope eternal in Him, so that when life in this fallen world feels too heavy and too hard, we can look forward to Your promise of that day when You make all things new. When we fully experience Your goodness….Until that day, help us live out the time you give us here in such a way that we bring glory to You and to Your son, Jesus. It’s in His name we pray, Amen.