Mom Body

When I met my (now ex) husband my Freshman year of college, I had a cute little figure that fit nicely into size 2 to 4 jeans.  I had grown up in the country, running and playing outside my whole life and doing yard work, digging fence post holes, and other manual labor that kept me trim.  I had a flat stomach and very little fat although, at the time, I somehow saw myself differently.  A few years back, I heard someone say, “I wish I was as fat now as I was the first time I thought I was fat.”  Wow, what an insight.  I was completely unappreciative in my younger years of how I kept my figure despite eating more than the guys my age. 

I’ve always loved food.  Fruits, vegetables, meat — all gifts from God to sustain mankind since the beginning.  Somewhere along the way, bread and pasta were invented and took the place of the fruit in the Garden to tempt women into eating what they shouldn’t.  Most all of us love carbs, and carbs seem to love my thighs.  As my metabolism has slowed down with aging and childbearing, I’ve seen the difference in my body, especially my lower body. 

I look at myself in the mirror and see these effects and gravity’s toll on things.  My hair is the same except for some fluctuation in length and style through the years. Maybe a gray hair or two, but they’re not too evident.  My face looks very similar to when I married except for some smile lines and a few wrinkles. It’s my actual body that’s changed the most.  Gone is the size 2 to 4 figure.  After keeping some baby weight after each of four children, I weigh a good bit more than I did at the beginning of my first pregnancy.  What once was a flat stomach stretched so much in the first pregnancy that my abdominal muscles split vertically, then I’ve had three C-section deliveries open me horizontally.  There is no flatness to this tummy anymore.  If you’ve ever blown up a balloon to maximum capacity then let it go, that crumpled, dimpled blob that lands at your feet after it zings around the room looks nothing like the taut balloon you held before inflating it.  That scenario is how I see the likelihood of my stomach ever returning to the taut, flat thing it was before four children.  

I was always told that my hips were “made for childbearing,” but they expanded with each pregnancy.  My thighs touch and are dimpled with cellulite, and I have a nice wide lap for holding the children.  I call this my mom body, and I am immensely thankful because my children saved my life.  This body bore four of the most perfect children in existence.  I would live through the pain of infidelity and rejection again if it was the only way to have them.  I am amazed at how God gave a woman’s body the ability to do the things mine has done.  I am thankful, and most of the time I am able to see myself through those eyes.  

But sometimes when I look at my body, my mind goes to an unhealthy, very hurtful place.  A place where I feel like all my youth and best days were used up then discarded.  I felt desired…until I so obviously wasn’t.  Until he desired someone else and no longer even looked at me.  Then with no more assuring looks, touches, or words to indicate that he loved me despite the changes in my body, I found I didn’t love myself the way I thought I did.  The confidence I thought I had was tied into his opinion of me and what I thought he felt for me.  I had taught girls and women for years to love and find confidence in who God made them to be.  “Be-YOU-tiful,” I’d say.  It wasn’t until my husband left and my self image suffered greatly that I realized my own feelings about myself were rooted in what I perceived as his opinion of me rather than what God’s word says about me.  

I won’t fault myself for finding some confidence and solace in thinking my husband was attracted to me all those years.  Spouses should give each other confidence.  They should desire and affirm each other.  God designed men and women this way, to complement and enjoy each other.  My fault lies in allowing so much of my confidence to come from that one source, even if unknowingly or unintentionally.  This is a situation where the fault wasn’t in what I did unintentionally but in what I didn’t do intentionally.  

I should have never allowed a man’s opinion of me to take priority in my heart or mind over how God sees me and the truth He says of me in His word.  See, man’s heart can be swayed, but the heart of God is steadfast and unwavering (Psalm 86:15).  We have to realize that our value does not come from any human opinion on this earth.  Our value is inherently ours from the time we are knit together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), made in the image (Genesis 1:27) of the One whose love and adoration for us will never waver (Lamentations 3:22-23).  We have to store up His word in our heart and put it in front of our eyes so that we go about life based on truth and not feelings (Proverbs 28:26).  Our feelings are fickle and false, often used by the father of lies (John 8:44) as a way to attack us and alter our perception of who God made us to be (Genesis 3).  

I have learned that in the times when my mind and feelings take me to that unhealthy, very hurtful place, I have to replace those thoughts with truth from scripture about my value to God.  This has meant having a stash of simple paraphrasing that I can recount to myself easily, such as “You are fearfully and wonderfully made, more precious than rubies, His handiwork, bought with the precious blood of Christ, His daughter.  He sings over you.  He calls you by name.  You are loved with an everlasting love.”  Sometimes, just reciting that to myself has been enough to replace the lies of the enemy.  Sometimes though, I need more and have to go further into the Word.  Character studies are so encouraging to me.  You can see how God chose people who likely saw themselves as unqualified or unworthy and used them for tremendous purpose.  The harlot Rahab used to hide spies and later woven into the lineage of Christ.  An orphan Jewish girl chosen beauty-pageant style to be the queen to a Persian king at just the right time to save her people from an evil plot that would have slaughtered all the Jews in the land.  A loose Samaritan woman going to the well mid-day to avoid other women of higher morals, only to encounter the Living Water in the person of Jesus and leaving so changed that her faith caused many to believe.  There are numerous examples throughout the Word of women (and men) who had reason to see themselves poorly, but God intentionally used them and changed the lives of others through them.  

When I don’t have time for character studies and need a quick solution to my uncertainty or negativity, Google searches are very helpful in pulling up lists of verses to help me through those feelings.  For example, if I need assurance of His steadfast love, I search that and read examples from Old to New Testament of a love that endures forever and is so vast that God gave His only son’s life so that my sin and shame could be covered in the precious blood of Christ in order for me to be called a child of God.  

If I need to know my worth to God, I type that in the box then read a lengthy list that outlines a God who made me with and for a purpose and who knows and ordains every day that I live on this earth (Psalm 139:13-16); a God who provides for me so that I don’t have to worry about the necessities of life (Matthew 6:25-34) or my future (Jeremiah 29:11); a God who placed me at the pinnacle of Creation (Genesis 1:26-31) and sees me as valuable (Matthew 10:31) and precious (Isaiah 43:4); a God who rejoices over me with gladness and quiets me with His love (Zephaniah 3:17); a God who takes pleasure when I have faith in Him and hope in His love (Psalm 147:11); a God who strengthens and helps me (Isaiah 41:10-14); a God who has engraved me on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16).  

Still sometimes, I need more.  I need the Word to be literally in my face, so I write scripture on my mirror in dry erase marker.  These mirror verses have served various purposes during my journey, including reminding me when I am unhappy with what I see or when I feel that sting of rejection more acutely, that my feelings will mislead me, but God’s word is a lamp to my feet.  Satan wants me to feel weak, timid, downcast, and afraid.  He wants me to forget that God saved me from the darkest days of my life because He delights in me (Psalm 18:16-19); that I still have life and breath and purpose; that God chose me and appointed me (John 15:16) and has given me all I need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).  Even when I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I have to remind myself that this earthly body is a tent for the Spirit of God that dwells in me (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).  This should motivate me to nurture my body with healthy food and exercise, but for the purpose of taking care of the temple of the Holy Spirit, which empowers me to live a life that serves more purpose than looking pretty.  

One of my greatest purposes as a mother is to raise children who know and serve the Lord and look to His word to define who they are.  I have to set that example, and I was convicted about this last week when I took the kids to the beach on vacation.   I try to make a point to have some pictures that include me and aren’t just my poor attempts at selfies.  A few times, I asked my oldest to take some pictures of the baby and me, and a couple of times, I asked strangers to take some of our family.  When I looked at these for the first time, standing there at the ocean, with the wonder of God’s creation surrounding me, my first thoughts should have been, “I am amazed at the beauty around us.  Look how happy this precious girl is!  These boys have been so well behaved and helpful.  What a beautiful family I have.  I am the most blessed woman on Earth.  Thank you, God, for helping me do something I never thought I could do on my own in bringing four kids to the beach.”  Instead, this was my first thought and unfortunately a statement from my mouth within earshot of my oldest son: “Ugh, those will be for private viewing only.  My legs look like tree trunks.”  Awful.  I am so ashamed that he heard that ugliness from my mouth.  No one at that beach cared a lick how my legs looked.  My kids were just so thankful to be there, and we will have memories to last a lifetime.  In my heart and soul, I don’t want a man who would be deterred by the fat on my legs.  If I ever care to date again, I want someone who loves the Lord in me despite my physical imperfections.  So if it’s not man’s approval I seek, whose is it?  

I honestly think most of us women worry about other women’s opinions of us.  We are constantly looking to see how we compare and constantly wishing we were something different from what we are.  This got worse for me when I felt I was replaced by another woman.  It made me look at myself through very critical eyes, trying to see what I was lacking in comparison.  This is another of Satan’s oldest tricks.  Much of our unhappiness comes from comparison.  If the enemy can get our eyes off all the blessings in life and cause us to fixate on whatever we feel may be lacking, he can entice us away from God and cause us to doubt all the truths I’ve shared above and so many others from the Word.  We have to try – no matter how tough the inner battle – to fix our eyes on God, strive to compare ourselves only to Him, and wish for change only when it makes us more Christ-like.