Even If

We visited a church in a neighboring town up until the Sunday my husband left.  At first, I was so proud of him for keeping our family in church.  It couldn’t have been easy to go into any congregation in this county, knowing so many people and so many people knowing our story, but he did.  I was proud.  As time went on though, it felt like going to church was just part of a checklist of things we did for the kids’ sake.  Being in the presence of God should produce change, but I wasn’t seeing change at home.   Not for the better anyway.  By the last Sunday we attended, I felt like a fraud, walking in like a happy family, sitting in the pew with our oldest between us while the younger boys were in children’s church, praying the entire service that God would cause something, anything to penetrate my husband’s heart and change his mind about leaving us. 

On the drive to church one of those last Sundays, MercyMe’s “Even If” came through the radio.  I had never heard it before, and the opening words hit me in the face. 

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad

I turned my head to the window, hoping the kids wouldn’t see me trying to blink back the tears, but blinking made the tears spill over to my cheeks, and there was no stopping them at that point.  For the four or so minute duration of the song, I cried silent tears in the van while my aching soul poured from my eyes.  The second verse started,

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now

That was exactly how I felt.  Discouraged.  Sad for sure.  Less hopeful.  Overwhelmed and scared.  Low on faith.  I knew God was able to flip the entire situation in a moment, but He just wasn’t.  He could raise Jesus from the dead, but He was not doing one blessed thing to right the wrong in my life.  He was not intervening the way I wanted Him to.  Things were not working out how I hoped.  I had enough faith to believe that He could move this mountain.  I just didn’t understand why He wasn’t!  

I wanted so badly to see Satan defeated and for God to show Himself victorious, and I truly thought it would happen early on.  Not that we’d be great right away but that it would be obvious God was at work, and Satan would not destroy my family or my husband’s ministry.  That God would show up in such a way that people could have no doubt that He was involved, and He would be glorified rather than mocked.  I was getting angrier by the day that God did not seem to care that He was being mocked.  I was so discouraged and baffled and hurt that He was allowing my husband to walk out on grace.  He was allowing my husband to choose.  

But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I wanted to be able to sing those words and mean them – to have peace in my soul even if nothing went how I wanted.  But what I wanted and what I felt were two different things.  I didn’t know how to pray anymore.  Sometimes I yelled or fussed at God.  Sometimes I couldn’t form words and just cried and trusted the Spirit to intercede for me.  

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may

Those words toward the end of the song grabbed me.  No matter how I felt at the moment, I could say without a doubt that God had been faithful and good to me all of my days.  He was all I had in life that was fully trustworthy, just, and good.  Even if I didn’t understand and even if I felt utterly defeated, I had to trust Him.  I had to rally through this.  

I had to rally time and again over the next year as I battled feelings of rejection, frustration, anger, hurt, discouragement, disappointment…A recurring list as I rode the emotional rollercoaster…wondering why God had allowed things to go so opposite, backwards, and upside down of what seemed right.  

“Even If” became the anthem for my life, and in time I came to mean these words:    

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

***The link to “Even If” by MercyMe can be found in the Resources section